Breath Read online

  When it was too stormy and vile to go out to the coast, Loonie and I stayed in town and entertained ourselves at the river, paddling bits of junk from bank to bank, leaping from trees, swinging on ropes. We had lungs like camel bladders by then; we sledged each other mercilessly, each daring the other to break the twominute limit beneath the diving board. In the summer sea when it was flat-calm and there was nothing else to do but dive down and lie on the clean, ribbed bottom and hold our breaths to count Mississippis we got pretty close to our goal. But trying it at the bottom of the river in winter was another challenge altogether. It was a grim business down there in the dark, clinging to the saurian roots of rivergums, so cold that a minute’s worth had us surfacing blue-lipped and dizzy. We climbed up onto the bank too numb and stunned to even feel the fire we’d left burning to warm ourselves by.

  Loonie’s old man found us shivering like that one drizzling Sunday afternoon in July.

  Look at youse two stupid pricks, he muttered. It’s rainin and the water’s as cold as a witch’s bits and you’re bloody swimming.

  We like swimming, said Loonie without even looking up.

  Karl Loon had his flying jacket on, all leather and sheepfleece. Loonie said he’d been in the air force, though from what I could hear of his old man’s faint accent it wasn’t necessarily the kind of outfit that flew in English. Mr Loon was a big, square bloke with a boxy head. He might have been Polish once or maybe a Croat – you’d have to listen hard to hear it. The wool of his coat collar was as yellow as a nicotine stain. His hair was oiled and parted on the side and even though this was the first time I’d ever seen him in the outdoors, he always looked sunburnt.

  And now you burnin green wood, he said. No wonder youse can’t get warm.

  We’re orright, said Loonie sullenly.

  Chop me some wood for the pub and I’ll let youse have some for here. What d’you reckon? I got five ton in just now and no one to split it.

  Loonie hugged himself and shook his head.

  Youse got something better to do?

  We’ll do it for money, said Loonie.

  How much?

  Ten bucks a ton.

  His old man laughed.

  Each! said Loonie.

  You can git to buggery, said the publican, walking away.

  But it turned out that we did split the wood, and we did the job for a fiver a ton each. We chopped in the rain for days out in the long yard behind the Riverside, amidst a wasteland of weeds and lines of washing, broken sofas and stone troughs. An old fella with a humpback and a drooping fag sat and watched us from beside the glittering ranks of empties as we split those sappy mill-ends and sucked at our splinters and stacked the cut wood in the lean-to by the pub laundry. Before we’d even finished our five tons we had offers of similar work all over town. Drinkers either took pity on us, or saw us as a means of getting the missus off their backs, but any way you looked at it, we were in business.

  Loonie liked anything with an edge on it. There were grindstones in some of the sheds where we worked, and he used them to sharpen our axes and the pocketknife he always carried. Whenever we took a break, when the lady of the house brought us mugs of tea and a few lamingtons, he’d want to play chicken. Most often we used the knife. We spread our hands on the pulpy chopping block, jabbing the blade faster and faster between our fingers – first looking and later blind – until one of us begged off or began to bleed. Some sheds had dartboards, so we played William Tell. A lamington, said Loonie, was just as good as an apple. He invented games involving axes and feet, axes and anything, really. Any game would do as long as it was dangerous.

  At each perilous undertaking – and with Loonie there were plenty of them – he always volunteered to go first. For a while I thought it was about honour, that it was his way of taking responsibility for whatever stupid idea he’d come up with – something gentlemanly, perhaps, a mark of friendship – but eventually I saw that Loonie went first out of need; he was greedy about risk. He absolutely loved a dare. He would actually dare you to dare him. This wasn’t optional. He required it of you, insisted on it. When it came to things like this he was completely compulsive. Being with him was like standing near a lethal electric current. The hairs on your arms literally stood up and you were afraid and mesmerized, always drawn to connect.

  That winter we chopped enough wood to buy ourselves real surfboards. They were dinged-up and obsolete, the cast-offs of the Angelus crew or somebody’s sister’s boyfriend, but they were proper foam and fibreglass and they were tokens of our arrival. We scraped the hard, dirty wax from their decks and rubbed them down afresh. We stood them in the old man’s shed to admire their leaf-like outlines and the sharky rake of their fins. The old man wasn’t at all happy about the fact that I’d been working at the pub but he didn’t toss the boards out into the weeds as he’d done with the Coolites. He’d seen the calluses and divots in my hands. He knew I’d earned that surfboard with a bent back and once again, after the longest time, I felt the distant glow of his respect.

  On a still morning in late September, in a lull between cold fronts, Loonie and I pedalled with our boards to the Point where the waves were small and clean and the cold water was as clear as the sky. We sat inside at the mellow edge of the rip and paddled into waist-high rollers that carried us hooting and howling in to the beach. We had the place to ourselves. The sandbanks rippled underfoot, schools of herring swerved and morphed as one in the channel, and across in the bay the breaths of breaching dolphins hung in the air.

  I will always remember my first wave that morning. The smells of paraffin wax and brine and peppy scrub. The way the swell rose beneath me like a body drawing in air. How the wave drew me forward and I sprang to my feet, skating with the wind of momentum in my ears. I leant across the wall of upstanding water and the board came with me as though it was part of my body and mind. The blur of spray. The billion shards of light. I remember the solitary watching figure on the beach and the flash of Loonie’s smile as I flew by; I was intoxicated. And though I’ve lived to be an old man with my own share of happiness for all the mess I made, I still judge every joyous moment, every victory and revelation against those few seconds of living.

  We surfed until we were limp and when we floundered ashore the bloke I’d noticed before was waiting. He sat on the back of a cut-down Kombi with a red dog that sprang down to meet us.

  Life on the ocean wave, eh boys? said the bloke with his board-bump knees drawn up to his beard.

  My teeth were chattering and I couldn’t speak but I nodded. I recognized him as the one who paddled out when the surf was huge, the man with the old-timey board.

  You wouldn’t be dead for quids, wouldja?

  We just shook our heads in agreement and laughed and shuddered while the red dog danced circles around us. The bloke smiled as though we were the funniest sight he’d seen all year. He whistled the dog up and we bolted to where our clothes lay warmed from a day in the sun.

  The Volkswagen hawked and sputtered to life. The bloke wheeled it around on the sand and looked at us a moment before offering us a lift. He waited, laughing, while we fumbled numbly with buttons and buckles.

  We bounced up the track with the dog lapping at our salty ears. At the top of the hill where our bikes lay in the weeds, he pulled up and we climbed out, burning with pins and needles where the circulation had kicked back in.

  You’re a pair of hellmen, you two, he said through the cab window.

  Why’s that? said Loonie.

  Surfin bareback in all weather. You’re either stupid or broke.

  Both, I said.

  How old are you?

  Thirteen, said Loonie.

  Almost thirteen, I said, stretching things a bit.

  The bloke had a mass of curly bleached hair and his beard was of the same stuff. He was a big man and muscular, with grey eyes. It was hard to tell his age but he had to be thirty or more and that made him a genuinely old guy. His dog panted and whined beside him but the
moment he glared at it the mutt lay silent.

  You get tired of haulin your boards out from town, you can leave em at our place.

  Neither Loonie nor I said anything to this; we didn’t know how to respond.

  I’m away a bit, said the bloke. But you can shove em under the house. The missus won’t mind.

  Geez, I said. Thanks.

  No worries.

  First driveway. Just up here.

  Okay.

  He drove off and we looked at one another with a dumb shrug. I wasn’t ready to leave my precious board at anyone’s place but my own, yet I was flushed warm from the attention. On our way back, weaving up the bitumen onehanded, with our boards yawing and straining under our arms, we pedalled by the turnoff we’d never paid any mind to before. It was marked with an old green-painted fridge and the dirt track in was rutted and steep. From the road there was no sign of a house, only a wall of karri trees on the ridge. The land was fenced but this wasn’t any sort of farm.

  Hippies, said Loonie.

  We coasted down to the swampy flats and caught our breaths for the hard uphill plug into town.

  I never suspected I’d be sent to school thirty miles away in Angelus, and I’m not even sure why my parents enrolled me there. At the time they said it was to give me stability, a high school where I could go right through to my senior year, but I had an inkling it was a manoeuvre to limit Loonie’s influence. They waited until after New Year’s to spring the news, and I was so stunned that I didn’t even put up a fight. I was just glad they hadn’t sent me to board at the hostel, though I’m certain they’d have been unable to endure the separation. Still, such tenderness condemned me to years of bussing, and the bus ride is my chief memory of high school – the smells of vinyl and diesel and toothpaste, corrugated-iron shelters out by the highway, rain-soaked farmkids, the funk of wet wool and greasy scalps, the staccato rattle of the perspex emergency window, the silent feuds and the low-gear labouring behind pig trucks, the spidery handwriting of homework done in your lap, and the heartbreaking winter dusk that greeted you as the bus rolled back across the bridge into Sawyer. The bus dropped me into a kind of limbo. Until I’d hooked up with Loonie I’d been a loner, and now that I finally had a mate I’d been turned into a dayboy. I could never expect to belong in a big town like Angelus – I was a total stranger there – but now I wouldn’t even fit properly into my hometown. Everyone knew proper locals went to the Ag School, while kids who caught the bus to Angelus, dags like me and the banker’s daughter, were of some indeterminate species. We were so uncertain of our new status, we never spoke to one another from one term to the next.

  Angelus with its harbour and shops and railhead was a regional hub. The department store and silos and ships gave it gravity but I refused to be impressed. Even so, with the passage of time a kind of contempt for Sawyer crept up on me as I saw how tiny and static and insignificant it really was. Like my parents, it was so drab and fixed that it became embarrassing. During the school holidays, in the years before every failing dairy farm was bought up and turned into a winery or a yuppie bed-and-breakfast, people drove down from the city in their Triumphs and Mercs to look at our little timber houses and shop verandahs and the shambolic superstructure of the mill. They trickled in from their romantic drives through the karri forests and the remnant stands of giant tingle to fuel up and amuse themselves at the pub and bakery. Every time I heard the word quaint I was caught between shame and fury.

  During school term I only saw Loonie on weekends. When conditions were good we rode out to the coast to surf but the ride seemed to get longer and harder the more we did it and in the end we gave up humping our boards all the way and took up the offer to stash them at the house close by. That was how we got to know Sando, how our lives took such a turn.

  We didn’t actually see the big, woolly-headed bloke much the first summer that I was in high school. Whenever a big sou’west swell kicked up, we looked for him. Those were the days when the Angelus crew came out in their panel vans and utes. They were tradies and potheads who kept an eye on the weather map and took sickies every time there was surf, but the most we saw of the bloke with the flat-tray Volkswagen were the times we caught a glimpse of him far down the bay, just a silhouette paddling a surfski and trolling for early salmon.

  The first time we stumped up the drive to his house the place was deserted. No dog came barrelling out of the shadows and no one emerged when we called from the bottom of the steps. We stood in the leaf-littered clearing and just stared at the joint. There was a big, fenced vegetable garden and some odd-looking outbuildings and though the house was built from local timber it was like no home I’d ever seen. It stood high off the ground on logpoles, surrounded by spacious verandahs where hammocks and mobiles and shell-chains hung twisting in the breeze. None of the wood was painted and all those timbers had gone their own shades of weathered grey and khaki. Later I thought of the house as a kind of elevated safari tent, a tent whose every pole was an old-growth log that three men could barely link arms around.

  Jesus, said Loonie.

  We better go, I murmured, but Loonie was already halfway up the front stairs.

  Bloody hell, he said from up there. Carn, Pikelet, check it out.

  I hesitated until he started gobbing over the rail. I went up full of misgivings. From the verandah you could see the ocean and the eastern cliffs toward Angelus. Closer in, the estuary was like a wide, shining gut that was fed by the river as it coiled back and back on itself into the blue-green blur of the forest beyond the town. I’d never thought of the river as an intestine but then I’d never viewed the country from this angle before and seen just how shaggy and animal its contours were. The house sat behind a snarl of karri regrowth that hid it from the coast road a couple of hundred yards below. The property had some lumpy pasture on its eastern side, a steep and hopeless paddock that looked as if it fed only roos and rabbits. The rest of it was peppermint thicket and wattles that ran right up to the forest ridges.

  Behind the French doors, the interior of the house seemed to be mostly one enormous room with rugs on the floor, a stone fireplace and a table as big as a lifeboat. Above this, set against the far gable, was a broad, open sleeping loft. There were no blinds or curtains anywhere, only a few sarongs that hung like flags from beams. Not even Loonie had the nerve to check if the doors were locked, but it looked as if the place had been empty for weeks. We gazed out again at the watertank, at the wood-slab sheds and our bikes and boards propped in the dappled light beneath the solitary marri tree. We looked for somewhere to store our boards.

  Beneath the house was a kind of wood-louvred undercroft stacked with surfboards and wave-skis and a kayak. The ground was leafy underfoot and there was a cave smell about everything. Further in stood a weights bench and dumbbells, a stool or two and a long worktable neatly piled with tools and papers and sound cassettes.

  Far out, said Loonie. This is bloody paradise.

  We stood openmouthed before the racks of boards. There was every type and shape and vintage, some with fins like scythes and others with twin keels. One board, which had to be twelve feet long, was made of solid wood. Beside it, propped against the wall and made of something like the same stuff, was a didjeridu with such a twist in the shaft it looked like a hollow tree root.

  Don’t touch anything, I said, expecting someone to arrive at any moment. Let’s just get our boards and stick em somewhere and rack off.

  Don’t be so uptight, Pikelet. The bloke said it was okay.

  To leave our boards here, I said. Not to hang around.

  Loonie laughed at my anxious propriety, but he helped me stow our boards beneath the worktable and a few minutes later we were bouncing down the track half afraid and half hoping the VW would come wallowing up to intercept us. But nobody came. We rode back into Sawyer with a glow on, as though by simply having stashed our boards beneath such a house, we’d moved up in the world.

  Honking away on my old didj, I think about the
one I first saw nestled against the boards under that big hippy house. I hardly knew what it was. Now the wind comes through me in circles, like a memory, one breath, without pause, hot and long. It’s funny, but you never really think much about breathing. Until it’s all you ever think about. I consider the startled look on the faces of my girls in the moments after each of them was born and suctioned and forced to draw air in for the first time. I’ve done the job myself on more than one occasion, pulled over on the side of an ill-lit street, improvising in someone’s driveway. Always the same puzzled look, the rude shock of respiration, as though the child’s drawn in a gutful of fire. Yet within a moment or two the whole procedure is normalized, automatic. In a whole lifetime you might rarely give it another thought. Until you have your first asthma attack or come upon some stranger trying to drag air into himself with such effort that the stuff could be as thick and heavy as honey. Or you may be like me and think about breathing often enough for people to have their doubts about you.

  I’ve been thinking about the enigma of respiration as long as I can remember, since I was old enough to be aware of the old man coming home with his stink of grease and sweat and wood-sap at the end of another day at the mill. Every weekday evening after he washed his face and hands he’d settle at the table and look about with eyes bloodshot from sawdust while Mum whacked the handle of the oven with a length of split karri and drew out whatever she’d been baking or roasting or warming while we waited for him. Mostly we ate in silence. Afterwards I’d go to my room to do my homework and when I came back later to watch a bit of TV, the old man’d still be there, asleep in his chair, with the wireless on softly. Mum and I would wash the dishes before she helped him to bed, and I’d sit down for an hour in front of the box.